83 Days ago my life changed. I’m finally letting that sink in now it’s been 83 days...
83 days ago I had a job that I was really fucking good at, a job in which I made a difference a job that allowed me to work with people who became in many ways family. A job that both empowered and eventually began to destroy parts of me.
And then poof it was magically gone. Little by little the signs were there it was almost like watching a predictable movie in slow motion you ultimately know what’s going to happen it’s just a matter of when.
On that day and in that moment every possible question, scenario and emotion went through my mind. Yet I was calm because strangely I had a sense of relief and I realized I was being given an opportunity to essentially practice what I preach. One of the things I have told countless students is this it’s not always about if we win or lose it’s how we react in that moment, that moment when we could choose to get loud, say ugly things or make poor choices but instead hold your head high, think about how hard you’ve worked, what you can do and what you can accomplish then breathe and say Thank You, don’t be the person they expect you too be instead be the person we both know you can be strong, intelligent, self determined, and worthy.
I took that opportunity to do just that and be the person I’ve been empowering my students to be. And in the past 83 days I’ve showed up for myself in more ways than I have in an infinite number of days prior. I began to work on me, I mean really working on me, opening up my old wounds, examining my self imposed limiting beliefs and facing some of gnarliest feelings that I’ve been suppressing for years.
I’ve cried, screamed, danced, banged on drums, hugged a few trees, created, and mediated. I’m beginning to learn it’s ok to be vulnerable and to ask for help, and that it’s ok to want or need support because sometimes it’s nice not to face everything on your own. I’m learning to sit in the discomfort, embrace the pause, I know that it might hurt temporarily but it will not last.
But more importantly in these 83 days I’ve started to see glimmers of me. Of the person that I once was, of the person that I am and the person that I can become. I may not be all the way there yet but I can tell you I’m a lot closer than I could have ever imagined being.